Behind the Stream

January 22, 2017

When I was growing up, I felt my childhood as a gamer was normal to stay at home and play some games. But back then, there was no online gaming groups like it is these days.

I found myself feeling left out whenever I was with people and I would prefer to stay at home and just play the days away. Keeping it routine, was my happiness. 


The truth of the matter is that I suffer with demons. I get anxiety, become depressed and think of suicidal thoughts often.The way I have been dealing with it, is to keep myself distracted with being busy.

The downside of this is, I didn't get any mental relaxation. I could not let myself have a calm mind because I know where my mind goes. 


On a day to day basis, If I would go to a store or having to talk to a stranger in public, I would have a panic attack. It mostly brought on when I am looking for something and I have to ask a question. I mostly walk into a store and its not there, I walk out. I would avoid going. 


When I am live on Stream, I enjoy the fun and laugh that I get from people. It makes me more relax and easier to forget my issues at the end of the day. 

But when the cam is off and I am not with people directly, I end up having to distract myself with TV or something until I fall asleep. 


I want people to be happy in order for me to remain positive. I cannot deal with someone who is going down hill and come into the stream with all this negativity. This is my place to escape and become my happy self, I really don't want that messed up. 


There is days which I would come back home and I start crying or sobbing over all the negative thoughts that circle my mind. Its not like I want them there, Its like little demons whispering. "What would it be like if you were to hang yourself from the stairs", kind of shit. Its fucking terrible and I would have no idea where if comes from. Its not like the day I had was a bad one or anything like that. I could have a great day but once my mind rests, those demons are back. 


I have been to doctors and I was told that all I can do is distract myself or keep myself busy. 

Mental Health is so important, once your mind starts breaking down, your body follows.

Taking care of your mind is essential for the rest of your body. I have not found a happy medium to deal with the shit I have. I hope you who are reading this have. 


- Tink




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